The Milk does not make the Mumma
Here I am, sitting on my couch, watching Dancing with the Stars, drinking my diluted raspberry lemonade, pumping some milk for my little guy. Sounds like quite the night, doesn’t it? I had actually cut out my “late night” pump session a while back because I was getting such puny results, but I have recently decided to add this fun-filled session back in because my milk supply and production has taken quite the ding 😦
Over the weekend, I unfortunately came down with quite the stomach bug. I won’t bore you with the disgusting details, but lets just say that regular nursing was not gonna happen. So, we had to crack into our freezer milk supply. The supply that I had been slowly accumulating over the past few months to cover the few days that I would be out of town on business this month. Emphasis on slowly, as I am by no means one of those “breast milk super producers”. You know the ones…gallons of milk in the freezer. They have milk that expires before they can use it. Heck, they could bathe in it if they wanted to. Well, I am not one of those women. I would kill to be one of those women.
So anyways, a hit to my precious freezer supply coupled with a serious dip in my production from this stomach bug is making formula supplementation a real possibility in these next few weeks, especially with a work trip looming…and it is breaking my heart.
My brain is telling me that I have done soo good to have given him breast milk for this long, especially when working full time and having to juggle around time with that goddam pump. Many working moms need to supplement at some point. Heck, I got formula as a baby and I think I turned out pretty good. And, as a pediatrician, one of the things I will tell moms is don’t beat yourself up over supplementation. You try your best as a mom and that is all you can do.
But, my heart is still breaking. My heart doesn’t listen to my brain. I think I have (rightly or wrongly) placed so much of my “mommy goodness” on this whole Breastfeeding thing. Since I work full time, I feel that nursing Baby D is a huge part of our bond. I don’t want to lose that.
So, I will keep pumping and nursing all other things milk-stimulating. And I will take one day at a time.